I started this in large part to try to exorcise my cowardice about a central conflict or, better, tension I was feeling in my life, one that I was deeply ashamed of but truly didn't know how to handle.
The problem was that I wasn't really all that sexually attracted to my girlfriend. I hasten to add that there's nothing objectionable about her, I just...don't get turned on very often. Part of it is different sexual styles, part of it is expectations (the sex we had when we first started seeing each other was pretty spectacular), part of it is just me (I've felt physically awful and sexually undesirable for almost 2 years), and part of it is an odd kind of passivity bordering on privacy that she frequently ends up in during sex, which leaves me feeling left out. I haven't had an orgasm during sex between us for well over a year. Worse, I haven't been all that upset about it - just kind of sad.
Anyway, she appears to have decided to end the relationship. Cowardice resolved.
The only problem? I really, really love this woman, and I don't know how I can live without her. Everything is in ashes.
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