The vast mimetic distances between us - Pt. 1

Because I think she's now blocking cookies, I can't be quite as sure that she's reading this at specific times from specific locations, but more basic traffic patterns seem to indicate that I'm still getting visits from my ex here. No matter. If you are reading, K., this is done without malice. This post is about us anyway, and about one of the reasons why I think something was finally revealed to have been missing. And about why it may never have been available, may in fact never be available to be found in any case.

And it's about why I still miss her, or at least the possibility that I thought she represented.

And I'm telling you
I know what you've been going through
In my heart of hearts
When I was here
And you were there
Nothing was between us

- Magazine, "Back To Nature"

One of the first scenes we ever did together would turn out to be the best one we'd ever do. It may yet be the best scene I'll ever have in my life, or one of the two or three. And it may have set us both up with expectations and hopes that could never be fulfilled in the quotidian realm of an ordinary day-to-day relationship, particulary one between equals. If we'd entered into the strange nether world of explicit D/S relationships, there might have been some small, slim chance, but I kind of doubt it, and besides, a huge part of the attraction between us was that we were frequently intellectual sparring partners, a dynamic quite difficult to maintain within the parameters of D/S.

It was very early in our acquaintance; I'm pretty sure it was months before we'd call ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend. She was at my place and we were playing in my back room. I had her tied to an inversion table (bondage table thing that can be used to hold a person at any point on a 360 degree axis), but was mostly using it as a stable flat surface upon which to restrain her.

Already there was some kinetic bond between us, some sense that there was something special if indefinable there, something latent with possibilities far beyond the usual play partner stuff. I'd played with literally a dozen women in the year prior to this, and I hadn't had this feeling before. She seemed emotionally available in a way that I was, in a way that I needed and needed to reciprocate.

She was lying on her back, restrained, and I had lots of little plastic clips all over her most sensitive anatomy. Once they were all on, I was doing some very painful things to those clips, things designed to bring her to higher and higher levels of pain. And they did, quite succesfully, until at one point she actually started to scream.

Now, screaming is a mixed blessing for S/M tops. We love it, but if you live in an apartment, it can have all kinds of nasty ramifications. So I lent forward, told her to scream into my mouth, and covered her mouth with mine. And kept hurting her. It was one of the most intense, intimate things I've ever done or shared with somebody.

At some point after I'd stopped the active pain part of all this, I was looking down at her and there was this look in her eyes...she wanted to feel again, she wanted to love, she wanted to belong to somebody, and she thought at that moment that I was the one. But she was scared, too. And she was crying, because it had been an intense scene, both physically and emotionally.

And as I looked into her sensitive, beautiful eyes, I suddenly started to cry too, because I felt the same needs - to feel, to love, to trust, to have someone belong to me, to belong to them, and after what we'd just shared, I thought it seemed she was probably the one. And the crying together was even more intense than the screaming into my mouth and all the other painful stuff. It was an amazing, transcendent moment, when I felt myself melting into her, and her melting into me, the boundaries between us giving way to the heat we'd just created.

Nothing was between us.

I would give anything to have that moment with her back again.