Neither confession nor reminiscence

So I have a date with UIW1. Inevitable, I suppose. Why? I think it's an auto-de-fe' of sorts, a proof to myself that I still can do this. She is, after all, UI. And it's not like I'm quite so easily over my past relationship. To the contrary, I wonder how my ex is doing nearly every day. I hope she's OK, but engaging with her doesn't seem like it does anything but piss her off, so I've ceased all communication with her for over a month now. I'm surprised at my self-discipline, actually - I haven't looked at her blog even once, not in two months. There simply can't be anything I need or want to see there, so what would be the point? Have I at long last learned to stop damaging myself unnecessarily? Probably not; it's probably just powerfully buttressed by the chemical assistance I'm getting from all the meds.

So I'm back up to full strength on this one drug I'd stopped taking a few years ago and it seems to be working pretty well...and it's making me feel like an idiot. Why? Well, what if going off this one drug was what set in motion all of the events that lead to the growing depression, getting fired and the end of the relationship? What if I'd stayed on it? What if I'd started taking it again along with this other one I started taking a year ago or so? What if, what if....crazy-making hypotheticals.

Back to the date with UIW1. This is distraction, I guess, a way of tossing a stone into what looks like a bottomless, black pool of empty days or years of loneliness stretching ahead. What are we going to talk about? Probably how very inappropriate we are for each other, our various meds, the fine contours of our illnesses... Very romantic.

At the same time, there's another woman (friend of a friend) who is clearly interested in some sort of hanky-panky when she's in the area (she lives in another state). I'm just not into it. She's funny and smart, but this isn't my thing. What would be the point? Besides, as previously noted, she's married (poly marriage).

What else...the weird, borderline-addictive porn & masturbation behavior has just....stopped. It's not like I've made a conscious decision to stop it; it's just kind of stopped. I'm not sure what that means. I think it's good, though it too is probably the result of much medication. I feel stirrings of libido here and there that require satisfaction, to be sure, but not in the self-abnegating, mechanical way that started back around September of last year and really just got worse and worse. Once I'm working again I'll be in therapy and see if I can chase down what the hell this is/was about.

So much uneasiness, so much loss, so much regret, so much uncertainty. Surely I'm ready for dating.