1. I should have mentioned in the last entry that I haven't given my ex any evidence that I miss her, either. There hasn't been any communication between us at all, on either side. Somehow I don't think it's bothering her much, but I can't say that's anything other than a guess and I could very well be wrong. It's not like I've been reaching out and getting rebuffed. So that's a confession - I tend to get caught up in my own feelings of loss and not consider how I might be contributing to someone else's.
2. It's her birthday today and I'm not calling, sending a card, or emailing, not even bland "best wishes for a happy birthday", and I feel uneasy about it. I've been unanimously advised not to, so I'm heeding what I take to be wise advice, not wanting to seem like I'm trying to find an in. But it seems cold and petty.
3. Which leads me to a really guilty confession; the petty thought has occurred to me that she may in fact have learned about the death of my father and deliberately decided not to express any sympathy at all. I don't want to think that's true, and I feel petty and ungenerous for having had the thought.
And I feel guilty for thinking it in the first place, for even having thoughts about her reactions to something so huge as my father's death - even though half a dozen friends have assured me that it's only natural that I'd miss sympathy from someone I've been so close to. It seems like another way in which the two losses are linked, other than the obvious facts that I've suffered a lot of loss in a short time span and that I don't handle it well.
4. What does it mean that my father's death triggered all this renewed sense of loss about my ex? Why is that? It seems more deeply linked than what all my friends and family have said: "well, it's just natural that one loss would bring up feelings about another loss." That's a sort of magnetic theory of emotions - one emotional reaction pulls another one towards it, and so on. This feels different, like there's a substantive link inside me somehow. Something else to remind myself not to obsess about.
5. The date with UIW got cancelled because of my father's death and I don't think I'm going to reschedule - it just doesn't seem like a good or productive thing to do, for a lot of reasons. While I was away, I reconnected with an old friend who I'd had some mild romantic-sexual liason with in the past. She suggested that she might visit sometime soon and stay with me; that wouldn't be bad, because it would be light, not fraught with expectation (at least not on my side and I can't imagine on hers - she's kind of a free spirit). We'll see. If nothing else, the company and the flirtation would be a welcome diversion.
6. I'm working again, which is good.
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2 comments:
Are you concerned she'll see these posts? Do you know she's not reading here anymore?
- D.>
If she does, she does. I don't think she'd be terribly interested in anything I have to say, though that could be a bitter kind of accusation on my part. Either way, I can't allow that to color what I need to get out of this - at this point, writing something potentially painful to her certainly can't do any damage to a relationship, since there isn't one. I wish that weren't true, but there it is.
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