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So the free 'n easy concupiscence continues. This past weekend saw a marked increase in intensity and intimacy - the first full-blown SM scene I've done with somebody at home in a long time.

And it was extraordinary.

She was seeking something. She wanted. She needed. She responded. She didn't just take; she gave back. And it was a revelation. Any wonder, then, that the scene turned out to be one of the most emotionally intense I've ever done, reminiscent if not quite the equal of the one I described earlier with my ex?

She sought catharsis - she wanted to cry. She did not want to retreat; she wanted to be called forward, to be called, reached, touched. I do not fool myself that this kind of intensity can be maintained or replicated at will. Perhaps it is best to regard it as a sudden and unexpected gift, not as an indication of some deeper meaning or possible future. A nearly random connection, an attraction as powerful and as volatile as that between some short-lived subatomic particles, and just as existential.

She sobbed; she whispered "thank you" over and over as I held her. Later, she told me it was unlike any scene she'd ever done. I wish I could figure out what it is that makes these sorts of connections passingly possible for me, but unsustainable. Perhaps it's because I'm responding rather than asserting my own needs. Once that dynamic has been established, it's hard to go back, hard to assert rather than respond.

But at the same time, I too want to be called, to be reached, touched. But I have not yet found a partner as interested in giving that way. I thought I had until about 18 months ago. But maybe that was just the depression gaining momentum - it's hard to tell from this vantage point.

Anyway, to feel that alive again, even if only for just this once...it had been such a long time. Maybe something inside me is stirring again.

Or maybe it's just the meds working. Hard to tell from this vantage point.